Monday, December 31, 2012
It's Not Fair!!!
I'm sitting here writing this in tears. My sister is being discharged from the hospital Friday and is returning home. This wasn't the original plan, but it's the new one, and I don't think it's fair! I don't want her home if she is not going to get help- I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. I don't think it is fair to Mom and I. My sister is an adult, she made her own choices, and now she should have to live with the consequences. She doesn't want help, so why should our lives be turned upside down, just because she wants to get high! It is not fair! It is not fair that we (Mom & I) should have to live like prisoners in our home. I don't want to feel uncomfortable every time I leave knowing she is home alone and wondering what she is doing. I don't want to lock all my stuff up in my room, so she can't steal it and sell it. I don't want to lock all my medication up, because she may take it and overdoes. I don't want to feel like I am walking on eggshells, always saying and doing the wrong things. I don't want to (and shouldn't have to!) be scared that my sister is going to yell, scream, spit, or use a knife on me. I don't want to be woken up at 3,4,5,6:00am, because she has been out all night. I don't want to listen to Mom cry all night long, see her worry and stress over everything that it makes her sick. I don't want to watch my sister yell, scream at Mom and treat her like shit. It is not fair!!!! And I don't think we should have to live like that again. I understand that it is not my house. Mom is going to do what she wants to do. Which is another thing that bothers me. I feel like I have no control over what is happening to my life. I'm crying and I'm freaking out. I have even contemplated leaving.. just packing up my stuff and leaving. Right now, I would rather sleep in my car, than have to live with my sister and go through all that hell again!