Monday, December 31, 2012

It Is Not Fair!!! Part 2

I'm doing an update to my last post. I have stopped crying and calmed down and now feel like I should explain what happened instead of just complaining, and screaming IT IS NOT FAIR!!!

As I mentioned, my sister is currently in the hospital for contracting a blood infection from using a dirty needle to shoot up heroin. She is being discharged this Friday, January 4th. The plan for the past 2 weeks has been that after she was discharged from the hospital she would be admitted to a detox/rehab center about 45 minutes away from home- yes she agreed to this. However, we just found out that she doesn't qualify for the free program. Why? Because she is not suicidal! Since she doesn't have insurance, $3,000 is needed.

The new plan is for her to return home and attend counseling twice a week. Our uncle, from our dad's side of the family, has offered to pay for the sessions. He is a cardiologist, very intelligent, but him (and his wife) don't think my sister needs to attend a detox or rehab center, which Mom and I disagree with. I'm not a professional in this area. Everything I know I have learned from going through this experience with my sister, speaking with others who are or have gone through similar situations, and tons of research. Mom and I believe an inpatient program would be best for her and than counseling. I may be wrong, but I believe they are wrong.

The unfair part comes from her returning home. If you have never lived with an addict you would not understand. The chaos of their life becomes your life. I truly want her to get help, but that is her choice, and if she chooses not to seek help that doesn't mean I should have to live her life of chaos. When she was living at home- Several items of mine, including jewelry, money, and pain medication, was stolen. I eventually had to keep everything I owned in my bedroom with the door locked. Even when the door was locked she found a way to get inside. Mom and I both worked, but almost every night she would wake us up at 2:00, 3:00, 4:00, 5:00, 6:00am. My sister never saw the need to contribute, but she sure did eat all of our food, take showers, sleep all day be gone all night, and make messes through out the house. At times she would even become violent.. throwing a cell phone at Mom's face, spitting in mine, hitting, pushing, punching, and once threatening with a knife. Other times, her words hurt just as much. I don't want to live like this again, feeling like I'm always walking on eggshells. I just don't think it is fair. This is the life she has chosen let her live it, but it is not the life I chose, so why should I live like this?

It's Not Fair!!!

I'm sitting here writing this in tears. My sister is being discharged from the hospital Friday and is returning home. This wasn't the original plan, but it's the new one, and I don't think it's fair! I don't want her home if she is not going to get help- I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. I don't think it is fair to Mom and I. My sister is an adult, she made her own choices, and now she should have to live with the consequences. She doesn't want help, so why should our lives be turned upside down, just because she wants to get high! It is not fair! It is not fair that we (Mom & I) should have to live like prisoners in our home. I don't want to feel uncomfortable every time I leave knowing she is home alone and wondering what she is doing. I don't want to lock all my stuff up in my room, so she can't steal it and sell it. I don't want to lock all my medication up, because she may take it and overdoes. I don't want to feel like I am walking on eggshells, always saying and doing the wrong things. I don't want to (and shouldn't have to!) be scared that my sister is going to yell, scream, spit, or use a knife on me. I don't want to be woken up at 3,4,5,6:00am, because she has been out all night. I don't want to listen to Mom cry all night long, see her worry and stress over everything that it makes her sick. I don't want to watch my sister yell, scream at Mom and treat her like shit. It is not fair!!!! And I don't think we should have to live like that again. I understand that it is not my house. Mom is going to do what she wants to do. Which is another thing that bothers me. I feel like I have no control over what is happening to my life. I'm crying and I'm freaking out. I have even contemplated leaving.. just packing up my stuff and leaving. Right now, I would rather sleep in my car, than have to live with my sister and go through all that hell again!

Friday, December 28, 2012

Stability VS Instability

This morning Mom and I had the opportunity to look through my sister's car. Of course, we found some items most would be surprised finding in their loved ones belongings. We found a cutting board, lots of cards (like reward cards), a packet of pills, a few small plastic bags with white residue, and tons of clothes. Mom found a few things of hers and I found my gold necklace and a watch she must of stolen. I was angry at first, but than I started thinking..

My life is far from perfect. Mom and I are struggling like many families in this country today. Mom works full-time an hour away and right now I only work part-time. We have more bills going out than money coming in. However, I am so grateful that Mom allows me to live in her home. We both have beds to sleep in at night, clean clothes to wear each day, cars to drive, and jobs to be at.

I feel comforted that there is stability in my life. Yes, at times it may seem boring, the same humdrum day after day, but as i see it, it is better than the alternative... instability, chaos, drama.

For the past few years, my sister's life has been unstable.. and that is an understatement. She would probably say it was all Mom's fault, because she kicked her out, and Mom would buy into it. This is not true. Her life was unstable long before she was asked to leave.

When my sister did live at home her daily schedule was sleeping all day, only waking to shower and eat, than disappear all night. The rule was- be home by 10:00pm or the door would be locked. I guess my sister didn't think the rule applied to her, because she would constantly show up at 2-3-4-5-6:00am. Sometimes she would call and call Mom's phone. Other times she would bang and bang on the front door. One time she even knocked on Mom's bedroom window almost giving her a heart attack. My sister would do whatever was needed to be granted access inside the home. Her cell phone was consistently ringing. Her "friends" were always sitting outside. Neighbor's would complain about all the screaming and fighting between her and her boyfriend during the wee hours of the night, or morning. A few times when Mom would leave for work in the morning she would find my sister sleeping outside our front door or her and her boyfriend sleeping in one of their cars.

My sister ended up moving in with our father and his wife. This didn't last long. Obviously, my sister and her current lifestyle were not cut out for living with others. I don't know exactly what happened, but through their complaints it was the same as here.. she always came in late, slept all day, wasn't working or looking for a job, left her mess all over the house, was disrespectful, and ended in a huge argument between my sister, father, and her boyfriend in the drive way outside their home. She was than asked to pack her stuff (alone with out the boyfriend) and leave.

My sister bounced from friend's house to friend's house, because she was not welcomed in her boyfriend's parents' home.. surprise, surprise. Occasionally, she would spend the night here. Eventually, she started babysitting under the table, because she was receiving unemployment and she stayed in the family's home for a while. That did not last long either. She sent one of the children to school in his pajamas, didn't change the baby's diaper all day (lucky the mom came home early), the oldest daughter complained of her sleeping all day, always being outside smoking and talking on the phone, and using her stuff. The days my sister stayed with friends she would not show or be late. Her and the boyfriend even stayed in a hotel for a while until their money ran out- well that was her story.

My sister's boyfriend was actually caught stealing, charges were pressed, and he was sent to jail.. by his parents. Of course, he was drug tested and was sentenced a year in rehab. So, my sister was back on the streets alone. She again was bouncing from friend's house to friend's house, sometimes even sleeping in her car.

We last heard she was staying with a friend, who was also a user. They were living in the friend's mom's ex-husband's home- who was an addict in recovery.. this sounds like the perfect place, right?

Currently, my sister's residence is the hospital. She was admitted December 8th and is to be discharged January 4th. She contracted a blood infection caused by a dirty needle used to shoot up heroin.

How do addicts live like that? 

My boring, humdrum, stability looks so much better than instability.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Summer 2008

It was the summer of 2008. Our grandparents had been living in Florida during this time. Grandpa had emphysema, lung cancer, and had been blind those last few years. Around April/May he became very sick and on July 13th passed away. Most of the family (aunts, uncles, cousins) traveled to Florida for a small memorial service.

The day before the service everyone was busy. Grandma is a clean freak! We have an on going joke.. her house is so clean you could eat off Grandma's floors. So, because there was no way Grandma was going to let anyone in her home being dirty, some were cleaning. Some were cooking. Some were preparing personal writings to read at the memorial service. Everyone, except my sister.

My sister had been so worried about what she was going to wear at the memorial service, she insisted on having a new pair of black pants. Of course, she wanted Mom's credit card to go shopping. Mom told her just to go shopping, pick something out, put it on hold, and she would go back later to pay for it. An hour later.. Mom's phone rang.. her daughter was picked up for shoplifting.

Grandma, who just lost her husband a few days before, paid the bond.. $500! Than Mom, her sisters / my two aunts, and myself sat outside a Florida jail waiting for my sister to be released. Finally, after 12 hours passing, watching many others walking out of the jail, my sister is released. She walks out with a pissed off "how dare they" look. The ride back to Grandma's was complete silence.

That night it was pretty quiet. My sister stuck to herself. I'm sure she was embarrassed, but that is just observation. The next day was Grandpa's memorial service and than back to the house for food and drinks. Some of Grandma and Grandpa's friends were there, so everything from the day before was kept quiet.

Now.. the next day was anything, but quiet.

Mom and I decided to take a walk around the community and just get away from the stress for a little while. My sister was not allowed to leave the state, due to she had to appear in court the following week for her shoplifting charges. When we returned one of my aunts came charging at us. (She is a lawyer, must be in control, fix everything kind of person.) She was pointing at me saying "We talked it over and decided you will stay with her, take her to court, and than bring her home! Your Mom can ride back with one of us."

Um.. Ok.. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5.. that wasn't working. I lost it! (I should have controlled myself better. Looking back I do regret that, but not that I stood up for myself. I usually just do what I'm told.)

I am an adult and deserve to be treated and spoken to like one. She could have ASKED me to stay instead of TELLING me I HAD to stay. Plus, didn't they think Mom, my sister, and I could figure things out on our own? No, I guess not, we needed everyone to be in control and fix everything for us.. that is how our family works. Mom had to return to work and I was starting a nursing class, so I'm sorry that my sister chose to shoplift, now she can live with the consequences. My sister had shoplift! The day before Grandpa's memorial service! I think everyone forgot that, because everyone was yelling at me for "not being supportive", "not being there for my sister", and so on. Oh, and also, for lying about my nursing class, which I had not. But what were they telling her "We all make mistakes", "We all do stupid things when we are young".

The confrontation between my aunt and I turned into a HUGE family fight, causing us (Mom, my sister, and I) to get in our car and drive 12 hours back home. Before we left I heard my Grandma in her bedroom crying. I felt my heart break, I never heard her cry before.

I ended up driving my sister back down to Florida and going to court with her. She was given community service and had to pay some fees. We had a very short visit with Grandma and than drove another 12 hours back home. -The car ride is another story.

Looking back, I believe this was a missed sign and even though not directly drug related, this is where our journey with my sister's addiction began. No one could predict what the future would bring.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012


For the past week I have been reading several blogs regarding addiction. There is one specific blog I have been indulging in.. An Addict In My Son's Bedroom, by Dad and Mom. Tonight I finally finished reading the entire blog, 4 years of writings, but very worth my time. Many things I can relate too, but something I read yesterday seemed to jump out and quite honestly make me jealous. 

Alex loves his sisters and their families. He asks about them and if they will be there when we invite him and his family over. When we say no they won't be here there is a sorrowful, "Oh". When we say yes you can hear the excitement in his response, "Good".

Even though I have never met this family and they don't even know I exist, I feel like I know them. I have read the entire blog, from beginning to end, each entry, each failure, and success. So, I am happy for them. Happy that their son, Alex, is clean and moving forward. Happy for the parents, sisters, and the rest of their family. However, a part of me, okay a huge part of me is jealous.

My younger sister is an addict. She was active in her addiction until a few weeks ago when she was admitted to the hospital, but more about that later. The point of this post is that I'm jealous of the relationship Alex now has with his sisters. I wish my sister and I could have, well, any kind of relationship. We are in the stage of hate and anger. She hates me and I am so angry with her.

I have tried to visit my sister in the hospital, but I am only welcomed with dirty looks, being ignored, and any responses I do get are just nasty and hurtful words. The first night, after returning from the hospital, Mom received a text message from my sister "Come back tomorrow alone or don't come at all!"

My sister has opened up to almost everyone. I have heard her speak of two people she wishes she was close with again and misses the relationship and closeness they once had. Neither of these people were me. I am her older sister. I am her ONLY BLOOD SISTER. I feel like we have missed so much, because of her addiction. I'm not sure what I have done wrong to piss her off. If anyone should be upset it should be me and I am.

Maybe one day we will have a normal sister relationship. 

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas & Introduction

Merry Christmas Everyone!!!

This is my first post, so I thought an introduction was appropriate.

My name is Amy, I'm 27 years old, and currently I teach Pre-Kindergarten. My parents have been divorced for over 20 years and I was primarily raised by a single mother and a set of grandparents. I have two younger sisters, 25 & 23 years old. My only full-blooded sister (who I feel more comfortable leaving nameless at this time) is 25 years old and is an addict. Her current drug of choice is heroin.

My role in my sister's addiction is different from so many others. I'm not the parent or child of an addict or even the spouse of an addict. I'm just the sister of one. However, that doesn't mean her addiction doesn't affect my life. My mother, sister, and I have all lived together before her using and during her using.. my life was (and is) definitely impacted by my sister's choices and drug use.

I realize Christmas isn't the ideal day to be thinking and blogging about this, but addiction doesn't take holidays off. Plus, there is no time like the present. Thanks for listening. Merry Christmas!