Busy & Sick

I can't believe it has been over 2 weeks since my last blog post. The first month of the new year has been a busy one, especially this past week. Grandma sold her Florida home, everything she owned was packed into a Uhaul, and we began the cleaning, painting, and unpacking. This was the most we have spent together as a family in a long time. Which was good and bad. Plus, the last few days I have been very sick. I believe I am just getting over bronchitis. So, I'm heading to bed and will catch up on reading and writing blogs soon.

Does it ever get any better?

My grandma says bad things always come in threes.

Right before Thanksgiving Grandma was diagnosed with breast cancer. At the beginning of December my sister was admitted to the hospital with a blood infection from shooting up with a dirty needle. About 2 weeks ago Mom's cousin, after serving 20+ years in the army, passed away from a heart attack. Than, this past Wednesday our neighbors, both husband & wife, were killed in a car accident.

That is 4!

Not that I would ever wish bad things on anyone, but I think we have had our turn and it is someone elses'. Enough is enough!

I was really hoping 2013 would be a better year.



UPDATE:

My sister has made it through her first week living with our uncle and aunt. Things seem to be going well, according to them. There was only one thing that concerned us. My uncle left some money for my sister to put minutes on her phone and pay for her prescription. We found out that my cousin, who drove her, actually used her credit card to pay for everything, so what happened to the cash? Besides that things are good. My uncle and aunt had my sister's car towed and fixed. Now she is trying to figure out how to pay for it, renewing her license, and getting some insurance. Oh and a little thing called a job. I know it takes baby steps, but we aren't seeing much effort from her yet. I'm just glad the weekend is over.

The Weekend Update

I was planning on blogging Sunday evening, but Mom and I got home a little later than we thought, so after preparing a few things for work I just ended up eating a late dinner and heading to bed.

This weekend was exhausting, physically and emotionally. It was definitely a roller coaster. There were some ups and downs- more downs than ups, but that was expected. Things are not going to change over night. This was the first time we've all been together for an entire weekend in a long time and with my sister clean an even longer time- actually this was probably the first weekend my sister has stayed clean in a while. The first weekend she has not been with her "friends", too (well besides being in the hospital).

There were a few things I thought were suspicious...

• My sister had tons of laundry, (a result of living out of her car) which Mom volunteered to wash/dry/fold all of it over the weekend. I noticed before giving Mom anything she would frantically go through all her pockets.
• One of my sister's friends text Mom's phone. She said she really needed to get a hold of her, because she had a fever, cold chills, aches, etc.. She was afraid she had the same blood infection. I don't think my sister put her up to this or had some plan, but it was suspicious that my she had to leave the house, out of our ears reach, to call her.
• My sister has said she was not going to have any contact with her friends, because most of them were still using/dealing. However, her last week in the hospital she had a friend at the hospital taking a shower. Over the weekend she was texting/calling a friend, and she made the comment that there were 2 specific friends that she was not going to give up their friendship, but she just needed a small break.

I don't know, maybe none of this meant anything. However, in the past suspicious behavior from my sister meant something was up. Why frantically go through all of your pockets if you aren't hiding anything? Why stand outside in the freezing cold and snow to talk on the phone if you aren't hiding anything? Why be friends with people who are continuing to use when you are trying to change?

Friday evening our dad came over to talk. He did most of the talking, Mom and I kept quiet and listened, and my sister occasionally smarted off when she heard something she didn't like. He discussed detox, rehab, and her plans. She just gave him the same answer she gives us, regarding detox and rehab, that she is not going and is doing this her way. She is going to live with our uncle and aunt from Mom's side. Her car doesn't run, she doesn't have insurance, and her license is expired. She doesn't have a job and her phone is prepaid only meaning she texts whenever she finds $5. So, she really doesn't have a plan in place. She is starting therapy this week, another uncle offered to pay for. It is only 1 day a week, I'm not sure that is going to be enough. Mom, Dad, and I still don't think her moving in with our uncle and aunt is a good idea or convinced this will change anything, but only time will tell.

Sunday evening we took my sister over to our uncle and aunts. They typed up a "contract", rules for her to follow, and all of them signed it. They are going to help her with getting her car fixed, finding a job, making sure she gets to her therapy sessions, job interviews, etc.. They were very clear that if she screws this chance up, she will be asked to leave, and there will not be a second chance. This is her second chance, but really it is her third and forth.

I am so glad that the weekend is over. Only time will tell what the future brings. I really do want this to work for her, but I am not getting my hopes up, because my sister has disappointed us in the past. I don't want Mom to get hurt and go through all of this again.

The Unknown

My emotions and nerves are all over the place. Today is the day. The day my sister is being discharged from the hospital and returns home. She is coming home just for the weekend. Mom told her that she would have to find a different place to stay, since she was not opened to recovery and getting help. I'm not sure when she is going to be here.. could be with in the next hour or even a couple more hours. Either way I'm not excited or looking forward to this.

I am nervous, because I am not sure what is going to happen. I am fearing the unknown. For the past few years none of us have had a relationship, due to her addiction. There is more yelling, screaming, and arguing than actual talking or family time. So, I am just not sure what to expect. This weekend could go well.. us spending time as a family, talking a little, and creating a plan to help her. However, and more likely, things will be no different.. yelling, screaming, arguing or just plain silence. I guess only time will tell.

I have mixed emotions. I want my sister to get help. I want to have a relationship with my sister. I want to see her treat Mom better. So, yes I feel bad having Mom kick her out and Dad not letting her come back to his home. However, as I have said so many times, she is an adult and she makes her own choices. If she chooses to do drugs than she has to live with the consequences that comes with that. Also, I don't want to live in fear of having my stuff stolen or being hurt by my sister, emotionally and physically. I don't want to see her hurt our mother, watch and hear Mom cry night after night. We have to do what is best for us- be happy and grateful for what we do have and not allow ourselves to be wrapped up in her chaotic life and what is best for her- let her make her own choices, live the life she wants, and live with the consequences. Than just be there for her when she is ready to accept help from us and others.

I'm not sure what else to say. I am hoping for the best, but trying to prepare for the worst. I am nervously waiting for her to come home and anxiously waiting for the weekend to be over.

Hope is gone

In less than 24 hours the hope we had last night is now gone.

Mom and I were so excited about The Brighton Center. It was and we still think is the perfect place for her. She could get so much help there and not just regarding her addiction. She could go back to school, get a job, and learn so many skills. Plus, her biggest fear of "becoming a prisoner" wouldn't be an issue, since The Brighton Center's program allows the girls to earn time to leave to work or spend time with family. But I guess it doesn't matter now.

Mom called my sister at the hospital earlier today. She started to tell her about The Brighton Center and, per Mom, my sister snaps "I'm not going there, so just drop it!" So, Mom dropped it.

This evening Mom and I went to the hospital to visit my sister. We have been going every night to visit her and a few hours each weekend. Mom brought the rehab subject up again and, I heard it this time, my sister snaps "I already told you this on the phone today- I'm not going! So, just get it out of your fuckin mind and drop it!" I jumped in, one because I don't like listening to her talk to Mom that way, and because I wanted to let her know how wonderful this place sounds. That she doesn't have to worry about being a prisoner, because she can leave to visit family, friends, and eventually to work. I didn't get to say much, because my sister loves to interrupt and be in control of the conversation. She told us that she has been there before (uh, when?) and she knows people that have gone there and she is not going there. The rehab conversation pretty much ended with her same old answer we just don't understand, no one does, and she is doing this her way. 

Since her mind was made up and she wasn't interested in hearing anything else about the program there wasn't much left to be said. I simply told her that she is an adult and it is her choice to go or not, but she doesn't have to be nasty to us when we are just trying to help. Mom and I are the only ones that visit her everyday. There is a clear difference between how she treats other people and us. Well, that set her off again. Most is a blur, because her words are so hurtful. Enough was enough and I left the room in tears.

Hopeful

It is going on midnight here and I just finished speaking with a woman from The Brighton Center.. which is a recovery facility for women only. After we hung up I woke Mom to share the information. We are both feeling very hopeful and are excited to speak with my sister tomorrow about this opportunity.

One fear my sister has about rehab is that she will become a prisoner and lose all her freedom. My opinion is too much freedom is what got her in this mess and a little structure may be good for her, but what do I know. My opinion doesn't really matter.

The Brighton Center's program is set up in different stages. The residents earn privileges with each stage completed. The first is of course the most strict, the girls live in a dorm type environment, and may not leave the premises. As they progress through the stages they can earn a more private room and free time to leave during the week and over the weekends, as long as, returned by curfew and all other requirements of the program are met.

The Brighton Center will also assist the girls with furthering their education, getting a job, learning to budget, pay rent, cook, clean, and teach all the skills needed to eventually live independently. There is a weekly Al-Anon meeting for families and educational trainings for the families who want to learn more about addiction.

The woman I spoke with went through the program herself and said it feels like everyone is just a big family, understanding what everyone is going through, and supports one another.

The best part- The Brighton Center is located very close to our home and is state funded, so not a cent would be needed.

I think this is the perfect place for my sister and can't wait to tell her all about the program, but it is ultimately her choice.

It Is Not Fair!!! Part 2

I'm doing an update to my last post. I have stopped crying and calmed down and now feel like I should explain what happened instead of just complaining, and screaming IT IS NOT FAIR!!!

As I mentioned, my sister is currently in the hospital for contracting a blood infection from using a dirty needle to shoot up heroin. She is being discharged this Friday, January 4th. The plan for the past 2 weeks has been that after she was discharged from the hospital she would be admitted to a detox/rehab center about 45 minutes away from home- yes she agreed to this. However, we just found out that she doesn't qualify for the free program. Why? Because she is not suicidal! Since she doesn't have insurance, $3,000 is needed.

The new plan is for her to return home and attend counseling twice a week. Our uncle, from our dad's side of the family, has offered to pay for the sessions. He is a cardiologist, very intelligent, but him (and his wife) don't think my sister needs to attend a detox or rehab center, which Mom and I disagree with. I'm not a professional in this area. Everything I know I have learned from going through this experience with my sister, speaking with others who are or have gone through similar situations, and tons of research. Mom and I believe an inpatient program would be best for her and than counseling. I may be wrong, but I believe they are wrong.

The unfair part comes from her returning home. If you have never lived with an addict you would not understand. The chaos of their life becomes your life. I truly want her to get help, but that is her choice, and if she chooses not to seek help that doesn't mean I should have to live her life of chaos. When she was living at home- Several items of mine, including jewelry, money, and pain medication, was stolen. I eventually had to keep everything I owned in my bedroom with the door locked. Even when the door was locked she found a way to get inside. Mom and I both worked, but almost every night she would wake us up at 2:00, 3:00, 4:00, 5:00, 6:00am. My sister never saw the need to contribute, but she sure did eat all of our food, take showers, sleep all day be gone all night, and make messes through out the house. At times she would even become violent.. throwing a cell phone at Mom's face, spitting in mine, hitting, pushing, punching, and once threatening with a knife. Other times, her words hurt just as much. I don't want to live like this again, feeling like I'm always walking on eggshells. I just don't think it is fair. This is the life she has chosen let her live it, but it is not the life I chose, so why should I live like this?